I wanted to share with you something of my past, something that would hopefully help women out there, old or young. These pictures are of a teenage Pagan Goddess. I was at the youngest 15 in these pictures and at the oldest I was 18. These photos are from a time in my life I would like to forget, but it's an essential part of my life. It made me who I am today .
These photos represent the old me. The one where I absolutely hated myself. The one who was too "fat" to be beautiful, who would never fall in love with someone who could love her back. I had many names for myself at this point in my life. I was cow, hippo, ugly, elephant, marshmallow, any horrible fat related name you could think of I had called myself that at least a dozen times. I hated my rolls, I would cringe every time I looked in the mirror and cry when I forced myself to. Yes, these pictures are of me smiling, but all but one are fake. The smile in the middle. That was a genuine smile because of my friends . They always got my mind off of how ugly I was. How worthless I always felt, to the point where I was constantly depressed, constantly thinking about how no one would miss me if I killed myself. I tried a few times, the first time, nobody noticed. That made it even worse, I began cutting, I begin punching walls, skipping school because I didn't want to be around the kids who made fun of me for being over weight. My class mates would make oinking sounds, mooing sounds, and beeping sounds like a large vehicle backing up. I was fatty fatty 2x4, I was big Bertha. I had people play jokes on me , coming on to me so I would like them , and when they thought I had fallen for them they would break up with me and tell me you fat bitch I could never love you . Why don't you lose some weight, even singing the Jenny Craig song to me, telling me I needed slim fast. Hell people who were supposed to be my friends when they got angry with me , they would do the same things. I learned to never trust anyone when I was in school. It always led to tears. I felt that all of it was rooted around to my being overweight. I starved myself sometimes but I would always lose the will power when I got too hungry and I would eat . I would yell at myself while nourishing my body, telling myself "you fat bitch, you couldn't diet to save your life, you will never be skinny, so therefore you will never be happy , you should just die, just fucking kill yourself and get it over with, so I would try, and I would chicken out. Of course I would berate myself for being a coward and not being able to go through with it. You fat bitch , you can't even kill yourself right. Everything went back to me being fat. Now, I laugh at myself, seeing how incredibly stupid I was. I am much larger now than when I was in school, and I love me. I love my curves, I love how I have these awesome killer breasts, and a booty that makes men pant and beg, hell even women do. No, I'm no where near conceited, I'm just going on actual experiences. I may be over 350 pounds, but I love me for me. It was a hard journey, with lots of tears, lots of anger and pain , but after wards I accepted myself, accepted that no one is perfect. That is what makes a person. Their individuality makes them perfect in their own way, there is no set norm for perfect. I don't have to look like a stick figure in order to feel beautiful. I can look in the mirror and say to my reflection. Hello beautiful, and mean it.
I no longer hate my body. I accept every roll, every flabby part of my skin, my thunder thighs, my jiggly butt, because you know what? I am me. I am the me-est me that will ever be, and no one could be a better me than me. In my imperfections and flaws, I myself am perfect too . You don't have to be a size 6 to be beautiful. I am a size 28 and I am beautiful in my skin. You don't realize that those kids in school at the time , hated their own selves, so they had to take it out on someone who had it worse than they did. Now those very kids are friendly, they want forgiveness, they want to be friends they want to be near someone who has the confidence they wished they had. Someone who can be happy even if they aren't what society thinks is beautiful.
Who cares what society thinks? FUCK Society. It doesn't own me. I am my own person. I can feel how I want to feel, I can dress how I want to dress, and be who I want to be. I don't have to be fake, I don't have to be small to feel pretty. Once you have that mentality, you, yourself can over come the vile hatred you feel about your body image. That is the ONLY way to overcome your lack of self love. I'm not saying it won't be hard, believe me , this will be one of the hardest spiritual journeys you will EVER undertake. Once you can get through it though, you will be so much happier. The first step is staring in the mirror, every day . Look at your body. Stare at it. Step out of YOUR mindset , and look at it from someone else's eyes. Someone who loves your body. Think of what they love about it. Try to imagine that it is beautiful. Wear something that accentuates that part of your body that you loathe the most, dress it up and remind yourself that it is you, it is beautiful. You won't start accepting it right off. I had to work for years, my self hatred was so bad. When you can objectively look at your body , and smile, or at least not think of yourself as nasty... welcome to step two. Step two do some photoshoots, before you can think to delete them . Post them. Do your make up, do your hair, make yourself dolled up but please you don't need to cake the make up on, and smile, remember that a smile is the most beautiful curve a woman has. Take the photos, don't judge it , don't delete it , post it some where like on facebook (which is what I did) and breathe.. always remember to breathe through the nerve wracking time. Watch the compliments pour in. Don't let the negative comments get to you , there will always be someone out there who still hates themselves and needs to bring others down. Be above that and look over it . Focus on the positive.. do this a few times a month, you will actually have FANS. Sounds crazy doesn't it ? That's what I thought as well.
My Dear reader, I wish you the most luck on your soul journey, I hope that my story, my advice helps you on your path. Please remember, that no matter what any one says though, no one can truly love you until you learn to love yourself. I implore you to love yourself, to make those changes necessary to allow yourself to feel beautiful, (or handsome if you are a guy)
I love you ,
Pagan Goddess
